I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
