No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
