I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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