You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
