I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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