FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
