I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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