Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
