Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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