I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
