And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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