Pappa wants mamma naked
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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