you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
