Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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