I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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