I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
