hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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