so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You can't just leave with hair like that
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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