i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
