Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
