I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
