I wish I could teleport
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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