to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
