Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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