Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
