"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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