I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
