I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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