if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
