by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
