My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
