we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize