i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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