Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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