I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize