K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
