Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
