Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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