There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
All the doctor said was why
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
