The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well I just put wine in my tea
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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