I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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