Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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