I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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