Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize