when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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