it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
