ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
