Define "chronic" masturbator.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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