Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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