yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
