I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
