I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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