If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
