my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
