it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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