Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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