are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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