My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
