I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
