found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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