I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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